Well, as I was converting this blog from blogger to wordpress, I got the opportunity to peruse through the history of my posts. There’s two mindsets people have when looking at their past events, happy sentimental or sad sentimental. I don’t know how predetermined it is, whether we approach our histories and then react with joy or sadness, or whether we are already in a set mood and examine the past. I think in my current state, my past will just look a little down. People constantly tell you that you are who you are today because of your past experiences. Well, that’s also assuming that you like where and who you are today.
I am not necessarily saying that I regret my decisions, but I am really deeply entrenched in a place where I am completely waiting for that “ah-ha” moment, where all the confusion I am in suddenly makes more sense. Just feel very transitional and very unsettled. I am anticipating so much, but so much that is anticipated is uncertain. I can see how things could work out, but they’re not there yet, which makes me terribly uneasy. Just not ready to bear the pain of not gaining all those things that I now look so forward to. I think every three years and then 1.5 years of my life I have made a fundamental change about who I am and where I am going. One and a half years ago, I broke up with a girl who I had been dating for a very long time and had expected to spend my future with. Three years before that, I moved to Atlanta, not really knowing what my future would hold and stepping out on a limb. 1.5 years before that, gave up my dream of being a doctor to pursue ministry. Three years before that, I became a Christian, etc etc. For the first time, it finally feels like I’ve made a turn with some longer term definition, but now that I have, I’ve never felt more unsettled. Please… let this feeling end.
