I have always been alone. I can’t say I’ve always felt alone, but I have always been alone. From high school until this very moment, I have truly been alone. It is a rare individual that I really let into my life. Even if you ask previous girlfriends whether they ever felt like they really KNEW me, they would tell you no. I have often lived alone and even when I have had roommates, I am not very social with the people I live with. I have had a few “close friends” along the way, including Jon throughout high school as well as the “guys” my senior year. In college I never really had a group until just before I graduated, and now its that same lostness. It didn’t help that a large portion of my social life was tied up with a girl I was dating and no longer date, as well as allowing my job to become a chunk of my interaction with others.
Its never bothered me that I’ve been alone, but for the first time, I’m really starting to feel it. I hate it. Its like I am PMSing every day, because I just want to have a mini-breakdown every day. It sounds so depressing and I never thought I would be in a place where I feel this way and have little to no control of my emotions. There are various factors involved, which I (for the sake of anonymity) will not go into, but nothing seems solvable. There’s even the chance that I may move outside the city to the suburbs and isolate myself even further. That hadn’t bothered me until the last few days and now I am deathly afraid of the concept. If it was a household that I was sharing with others, it would work out fine, but I am scared to be away now. To not know anyone. I am so thankful for those that do call me to hang out, even though I have said “no” too many times to count. Please, please keep asking me. Don’t worry, I really value the calls :).
