I wish I didn’t still think about you.
When its silent, I can’t keep it out.
I hate that I wonder how you are,
How they are, and never hear a sound.
I can’t sleep. I sit here tearful at one a.m.
Only because the tv brings you back again.
I know all I have to do is call, but I promised myself I wouldn’t.
And you may never read these words.
I hope that’s not true.
Because that would be the saddest part of it all.

Is it humorously approriate to say, “whatever I wanna do, gosh!”? I think the Napoleon vernacular has finally ceased to be entertaining. Anyway, it has become the type of question that is altogether frustrating and simultaneously helps push me to find an answer. Ever since everything went down around Christmas, I’ve been trying to find an answer. I still have school to finish up, which shouldn’t take very long at all, but I gotta figure it out. So here’s my current list:

1. Stay Put: I currently have a marketing/advertising/design job. The pros are that its a job that I can gain experience in and is very multifaceted and can lead to other types of opportunities. The cons are that I drive almost 120 miles a day, I sit in a cubicle all day, and maybe have face to face interaction for about 5 minutes a day.
2. Coffeeshop Owner: This is the one I have been thinking about the most as of late. Maybe open something like a cheaper version of Cafe Intermezzo, that serves panera style food, good coffee, open late, wireless internet, and an awesome environment. Pros include the be-my-own-boss mentality, ability and challenge to grow a business well, and plenty of people interaction. Cons include the sheer risk of opening your own business.
3. Online Business Owner: My friend Josh came up with a fairly decent idea of an online business. Due to the creativeness and inguinity of the idea, I cannot necessarily share it, but its a good one. Pros include the open schedule of an online business, its something I am partially qualified to do, ability to grow large financially. Cons are the risk of an new business, and I don’t know if I’d become so busy that I would be stuck in front of a monitor all the time.
4. Anesthesiology School: Thought about applying to Emory’s anesthesiology program. The pros are that I always loved Chemistry (even started as a Chemistry major in college), its a two year program, my parents would support the decision, its a great paying job. Cons would be that I don’t even know if Emory would accept me (I would have to go back and take the GRE), don’t know if I want another two years of school.
5. Other School: Maybe just go get some other random degree and start a new career, such as finances. Pros… well, it would depend on the degree. Cons include the same as above… don’t know if I am ready to keep going to school.
6. Go Back Into Ministry: Its what I am most qualified for and I enjoy a lot. The church left a real bitter taste in my mouth, but maybe I should just suck it up and try somewhere else. Pros include that its something I do enjoy doing and love the ability to lead and interact with others. Cons may include my continued distain for the organized church (even though I still go) and just not “walking” like I would want to be back in a ministry position.
7. Teacher/Coach: This has always been an option. Not that being a teacher is any kind of “fallback,” but I do enjoy the act of teaching and think I would be good at it. Pros include the schedule teachers have, the ability to lead and interact with others, and I definitely would love to one day possibly teach in a college. Cons include teachers salaries (tend to be a struggle), repetitive days and schedules, and don’t know if I always have the patience required.
8. Rockstar: I still have music going on with Casey and friends and who knows where that would go. I would love to make that a career, but its not something that just happens. Pros include the lifestyle for a nightowl like me, the joy of getting paid to perform, and I get to hang out with people that I really do love all the time. Cons include the actual pursuit of that type of job. You can’t just make it happen, success depends on both work and total luck so its hard to rely on it as a “career path.”

Well. There you go. There’s my list. Any thoughts?

All I got is work, drinks, and dreams.

I love large blanket statements. Actually, I really don’t. At all. They are never really appeasing or helpful just spoken aloud during a situation. I mean, given time and experience, you learn to really adapt them to your mentality where they do help you cope, but saying something like “Everything changes,” or “Everything happens for a reason,” isn’t always comforting to me. I mean, I recognize those things are true, but sometimes its still good to gripe and complain about them.

It seems like the psalmists know what God is about and aren’t really second guessing everything. They just want to complain. They just want to gripe about the way things are and how they are going and their status quo. So, go ahead. I think He can take it. He’s been in our shoes… he understands that life isn’t always easy. I mean, come on, I don’t think crucifixion is exactly joyful.

There is a company out there who does analysis of people’s “happiness.” What is interesting about the study is that it tends to weigh two major factors, one is the overall satisfaction and happiness experienced by the citizens of the countries surveyed and secondly, the overall respect of the environmental limits that their residents demand. Now, looking at the report, it does seem a little bit slanted by environmentalists, but only very slightly. The environmentalists also have no impact on numbers such as life expectancy and ‘life satisfaction.’

One thing that is interesting about the environmental impact is the future effects it does have on people’s happiness. There have been countless studies relating exposure to various types of pollution, particularly air pollution, and stess levels, as well as things like urban sprawl and development, which cease to allow people to just ‘get away’ as easily. I mean, if you take a survey of people from very small towns, I bet the percentage of people that are overall happy and enjoy their lives would be higher than those in the hustle and bustle of the city. Being raised in the city, it’s not always easy imagining living in a rural, isolated setting. Even when I imagine it, I figured I would still have satellite television and an internet connection. I wonder if I could just spend a year away from it all. Maybe I will.